It’s Wednesday so that means I’m going to Pour My Heart Out.
I feel guilty. Horribly guilty. I didn’t do anything wrong. No one is hurt except me.
But I feel guilty.
I have told only a few people (in fact, it’s a whopping 5 friends and Hubs) about what is going on with my health. I haven’t told my friends because it puts them in a hard spot. I haven’t told my parents, they’ll only worry. I haven’t told my sister because she doesn’t really get it. I’ve tried not to speak about it, because I just focus more on the “could be’s”. Sometimes, I talk about it because I’m scared, but I try not to because I will only get upset. I will cry. I will predict the worst. I won’t just grit my teeth and deal, which is my only coping mechanism that I am satisfied with doing.
I’m sick. My lupus is flaring and no one has a flippin’ idea what the heck is going on. My doctor teared up today because she can’t do anything for me until she knows what is causing the problem. She’s sending me to yet another specialist and with that will go more testing. And more testing. And more testing. I’m losing strength fast. Emotionally and physically. Holding my children is taking a toll and there’s only so much I can do that doesn’t require lugging around a three year old and an eleven month old.
I feel guilty because of the stress of the unknown this gives my husband. I feel guilty for my boys, who while they don’t know it now, have a sick mother. I know that they will see me go through more crap than any young child should see their parent enduring. I feel guilty that I can’t be “normal”. I feel guilty of the money it’s going to cost even though my husband has told me to stop thinking about it. I feel guilty for my doctor being sad and frustrated she can’t figure it out even though that’s her job. I feel guilty that my parents don’t know because I don’t want them to worry and having them worry would make me feel even more guilt.
So yes….I feel guilty.
I feel pain.
I feel exhausted.
I feel weak.
Because, the girl crying in the bathroom after her doctor’s appointment can’t be anything except that, right?