Makes It All Worth It ~ Infertility and Heartbeats

A year after your dad and I were married we decided we wanted a baby. What we didn’t know was that we wanted you. We had been told that because of my health and extremely irregular cycles getting pregnant would be a “shot in the dark”. We figured we’d try anyways. A few months later, a few symptoms later, and a hormonal outburst that resulted in me slapping a friend in the arm at a restaurant (funny story actually, but it sounds worse than it is) I decided to take a test. It was a digital test and there was no denying what the results were as it flashed “Pregnant” across the tiny screen. I ran to tell your dad and he was in shock. We hadn’t expected it to be so easy!

It wasn’t. I lost the pregnancy as I contracted and huddled on the floor a few weeks later. Just like that…you were gone.

Emotionally it took a toll on me, but I was determined to have you in my arms. We began to try again. Months later I was pregnant again and this time they wanted to monitor me a little more closely. Things progressed well and then once again, a little less tragically, we lost you again. You were so close to me. You were growing. Yet, you were gone again.

Devastated, my doctor decided that it was best for me to see a specialist. I already had so many things weighing against me that it was time for more help. We went in for consultations. We did the ultrasounds, the meds, the bloodwork. We tried and tried. My health was failing, but I was fighting. You were supposed to be here. I knew my son would come.

A year later we were pregnant again. While pregnant I went to Capitol Hill to fight for lupus advocacy. We needed more funding, medications, anything to make this horrible disease go away. I needed to fight it so that I could have you. I stood there, with my hand on my stomach, praying that thirds time was a charm.

It wasn’t.

I had failed yet again. I began to doubt my abilities at becoming a mother and being a mother. There weren’t any other options for us. None that we could agree on. I didn’t think you would come to me and I cried. I cried at the pregnant women that walked by me. I cried at the women that had “unplanned” pregnancies. I cried for my friends that were struggling. I cried when I saw a baby. I missed you and I hadn’t even met you.

Your grandmother went to a psychic and while I don’t often believe in them I believed this one, but not until years had passed. She had said that I had a child that was waiting for their younger sibling to be ready to come, too. The older child kept trying to come, but the younger said “No, not yet” so the older child would go back. The older child was protective of the younger one and would continue to be once they came down. I didn’t believe it. I had failed so many times already.

My health caused me to quit my job. I had fought it for so long, but with no other choice and nothing left I gave in and submitted my resignation. I came to terms that I wouldn’t have children. I came to terms that you were too good for me.

Then that summer, I was pregnant again. We watched it so closely. We didn’t even act excited. We were more scared than anything. I couldn’t go through this again.  I held my breath expecting everything to fall apart. Six weeks into the pregnancy they had me come in for an ultrasound. Only the specialist and I were there. Your father was at work. I had had some spotting and the doctor told me to come in and they’d check me out. As I laid on that table closing my eyes scared of the words that were about to come out of the doctors mouth. Then he said it…

“You see that?”

“What?” I opened my eyes and raised my head to look at the smudges of black and grey on the screen.

“That, that flicker.”


“That’s life.”

I began to cry for every reason I hadn’t cried for before.

Eight months later you were born on Christmas Day. You were early, but that was because you were excited to meet us. A little over two years later your brother was born. As I sit here, five months after his birth, I am watching you play with your brother. Him on his tummy, you on your knees. Both of you laughing for probably completely different reasons. I begin to realize that the psychic was right. You were waiting for him and you will love him with all of your being. Sure you may fight, but you’ll protect him just like she said.

I think about how hard it was to get you here and then I hear him giggle as you say his name. It is in that moment that I realize…that is what makes it all worth it.
PhotobucketShare with us your stories of love, loss, and what makes it all worth it at Mothers’ Hideaway

This post has been posted in Fun Follow Friday, Friendly Friday, Finer Things Friday,New Friend Fridays

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  1. Beautifully written! Love what the psychic told your mom, that the little brother wasn’t ready for the big brother to leave yet….very sweet!

    Congratulations on your two blessings!

  2. Most touching thing I’ve read this week! Really wonderful post and congratulations!

  3. i just stumbled across your page from SITS. i truly, truly appreciate this. though i’ve never super wanted to be a mom, as soon as i was diagnosed with lupus, i was 99% that it was (and is) never going to happen. i don’t even have it that bad, but i’m so afraid of my body, i don’t even want to risk it. i’m so happy that you tried, and more importantly, that you’ve gotten what would make you the happiest!

  4. Oh my word, what an incredibly touching post! I had tears in my eyes! I found you from Trendy Treehouse’s New Friend Fridays and I’m so glad I did!

  5. Wow! what a tear jearker! I had chills telling me you were right about the brothers. what an awesome story!

  6. Beautiful post. I am totally tearing up…no I AM CRYING… you are so lucky and they are so lucky… friend from girls creative

  7. What a beautifully written account of your struggles to have your babies. I’m so sorry for the babies you lost, and I’m so glad you had two successful pregnancies! Stopping by from SITS, and grateful for the emotional read.

  8. sniff sniff, that was such a moving story! I’m so happy you’ve been blessed with your two babes.

    Here from NFF, happy weekend!

  9. At the end I just said “ahhhhhhhh!” That was sweet. Congratulations on your family.

  10. I am joining the Friday Blog Hop. I am following you now. I hope you could return the favor. Its and

    Thank you


  11. I am a new follower. I hope you will follow my blog too.

  12. Beautiful post. I can only imagine the heartache of losing a pregnancy. God blesses us in many ways. Sometimes we don’t understand and sometimes we do. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

  13. Thank you so much for sharing this. It was unbelievably touching. I’m so glad you wound up with two beautiful children!

  14. what a great post! I just found you through FF, and I am glad I did. That was beautifully written, so glad to have found you!
    Dawn :)

  15. That brought tears to my eyes! What a beautiful story! My friend was told she’d never able to get pregnant, and is 3.5 months along with her miracle baby! It is an exciting thing!

  16. How beautifully written. Though I haven’t experienced the things you’ve gone through, we too had our share of dealing with fertility problems, so I know how (literally) amazing it is when you see and hear that heart beat for the very first time. Now looking at my children I whole-heartedly agree: they made the difficult times worth it.

    Hope you have a great weekend.

    HRH Mommy

  17. What a beautiful story with, of course, a very happy ending. Your little girl was waiting for the just to right time to come, so she could touch your lives and the life of her baby brother…Absolutely precious!

  18. Thank you for join Friday Follow New Friends,
    Hope you get more friends here, and also hope to see you again next week.
    Have a great day.

  19. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! Sometimes I worry about how my girls’ relationship will be (3 yr & 4 mnth), because my 3 yr old is so jealous right now. But then I read your post and somehow feel that everything will be okay.

  20. Beautiful story , thank you so much for sharing :)

  21. That is so wonderfully written, and such a beautiful story of hope. thank you for sharing your pain and subsequent joy with us.

  22. Stopping by to say Hi!.

    I should visit your blog more earlier but I not feel well,
    Thank you for visit my blog and Thanks for kind comment on my blog.
    Hope you have a great day.

    PS. I’m following your blog.

  23. Oh, this is so sweet and touching! I’m so happy you were able to have those precious babies.

  24. This is so beautiful – brought tears to my eyes – happy holidays to you and your amazing miracles!!!


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